When I was in Jersey, everybody said once I got home, everything would be different. I would be closer so I would be able to see all of my friends more often, and I would be able to do more things and go more places. People had voluntarily made “schedules” on when they would come see me, promising to come between school and work, when they had rides, and ect. As anybody could guess the way my life was going and all the stuff I’ve been through that I could really use a change like that…but it never came. Promises turned to maybes then probably nots, then turned into excuses and all this bullshit. I’m not asking for too much to see some people like once a week right? As much as I ask or beg it just never matters what I do. I understand if people are genuinely busy, and I understand if they’re busy say 6 days a week, that the 7th day of the week they may not want to come here all the time…but once in a while isn’t too much to ask for is it? Especially of people who promised they’d see me 2-3 times a week. And it’s not even the visiting me part, they just stop talking to me all together, and when they do come over, it’s because I fucking beg them to come see me. I’m in my room alone at least 6 nights of the week, and in many cases 7 nights. Does anybody have any clue how miserable that is? Then you have the people (well it’s the same people as above) that come to me when something upsets them, and if I don’t go “OMG IM SO SORRY :((((((( ANYTHING I CAN DO? LET ME HELP YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL” then I’m the one being a bad friend, or that I don’t care. Really? The same people that when I say “I miss you, come see me? :) <3” hey respond with “when im not busy.” AND THEN WHEN THEY’RE NOT BUSY they make plans with other people, then complain about how they never have anything to do, or other people blow off their plans. Fuck that.
People honestly don’t understand what’s going on around them. All they see is themselves half the time. I can understand why people consider suicide. When there is nobody, and nothing to look forward to. I really have NOTHING going for me at all, and honestly I can’t even find a legitimate reason to live. I’m sure there are people who’ve killed themselves and have considered or tried suicide who are in a lot better position then I am right now. Good thing that thought process isn’t part of my life…but what if it was? I’m basically calling out for help, for company, for a friend, and I’m just getting blown off. When I got into an accident and almost died, people stopped from what they had going on and realized that your life can change in an instant and to not take anything for granted…what happened since then? What if I was just gone…would people realize that I’ve been asking for them to care and they’ve just blown me off? I wonder…Good thing I have a good frame of mind. As upset as I always am I’d never consider taking my own life, but it makes you wonder. Ever since this accident I’ve been living life just to stay alive, one day at a time. Maybe one day people will realize what I once meant to them, and have a desire to be in my life again.
On a side note, I really want my old life back. Not even everything, just my old friendships. People change, times change. and sometimes it’s just time to move on from people unfortunately, I just wish things never changed with the people I know. Ever since I was 16 I’ve talked to the same main people every day for years, and now mostly everybody I talk to I’ve only known personally for a year. I just wish I had the same friends and friendships I had 2 years ago, and I wish the same people still cared about me like they used to…but whatever.
